Keeping a positive attitude doesn’t prevent us from going through difficult times. This is something I have come to understand pretty clearly in the last couple of months. Positive thought doesn’t take away the crappy days, or the awful side effects I watch my husband go through, but it does help us to keep putting one foot in front of the other, to keep moving forward.
Things haven’t been as tolerable for Bren since his last lot of chemotherapy. The side effects are worse, he is more exhausted and eating hasn’t been as easy. Some night’s I lay beside him listening to him breathe as he sleeps, or I watch him resting, exhausted, on the lounge and think to myself — shit, when did this become our story?
I couldn’t have imagined for a minute 6 months ago that my strong, fit, kind and funny husband would be diagnosed with cancer. Yet here he is – with cancer. I can feel his vulnerability in his quieter moments, it’s one of his greatest strengths. He is never afraid to show his emotions or feel his feelings. And still, I can’t help but wish at these times, at all times, that there were no such thing as cancer.
We have never asked “why us?” The answer to that would be “why anyone?” I won’t place fear around our situation, and nor will Bren — we won’t to live in fear. Instead he is taking it all in his stride and doing everything he can to stay physically, emotionally and mentally strong, while I make sure I have all the information I need to help me understand his cancer, what he will go through and how I can support him and the kids throughout his treatment and recovery.
I rely heavily on my personal belief system, which is not based in religion, more on a strong faith. I observe a daily practice using both traditional and contemporary Reiki techniques that support an acute understanding of what is, through a deep self – awareness and connection to my inner strength and wisdom. The energy therapy techniques I use in practice are also something I use to help support and comfort Brendan as he recovers from his treatment.
Cancer has chosen our family, so I will open my arms and embrace every lesson this journey is offering up. As I do I will say every day, loudly: “F#&K You cancer.” Team Brendan has got this.
And still, it doesn’t matter what we do, say or think or how we spin it — some days are just hard!
Life is good and hope is limitless
* an archived post written in 2014 transferred from a previous blogging format