I’m sure many have experienced the depth of sadness and undeniable beauty I have, in a pure and joyous moment of remembering — where both the beauty of a cherished memory and the pain of devastating loss can be experienced simultaneously – enhancing each to a level barely tolerable and yet you let the feeling wrap around you like a warm blanket on a cold winter’s night while begging for more.
Almost two months on from losing my husband; and my days are still made up of moments like these that bring me to my knees, along with the more ordinary everyday ones that consist of making grocery lists, doing laundry and laughing at funny things. I imagine they always will be.
The kids went back to school yesterday and were ready and happy enough to do that. Our pace has been slow and gently gentle as we try to accept the encroachment of change and make our small steps forward. Sometimes missing one, sometimes not ready to take the next …we are doing the best we can right now. Knowing it is so early on in this part of our story –slow and steady is manageable.
We have faced both difficulties I had expected and a few I hadn’t over the last eight weeks and throughout all of them we have been surrounded by an incredible team consisting of family, our friends and a community that Brendan and I had built around us in this beautiful place we live, over the 22 years we had together.
The kids and I know we are not alone in our grief and in some small, beautiful, painful way that helps more than I imagined it could. It also allows me to focus on what I need to focus on…and that is our children. They are my priority, and the support I receive from those around us allows me to put them first in every decision I make and for that I will always be grateful.
So here’s to all the beautiful painful things we cherish and to moving through life slowly gently as we honour the past and embrace our future.
Bren would expect nothing less…and would be glad the kids and I are keeping ourselves busy, but would, I know, also like me to devote a little more time to some daily exercise. I’m working on it – I’m also hoping that walking a 45 kilo puppy everyday counts babe!
Thanks for listening