It’s December and with that comes another first. I don’t really know how I feel about the month ahead. Numb probably explains it best. I am going through the motions, getting things done and for the most part trying to feel normal, it’s a new normal but one I’m trying hard to create … even so it’s still difficult to feel anything really.
The ability to laugh, enjoy the company of friends and find joy in joyful things has pleasantly surprised me and comes more naturally than I thought it would. When I first lost my husband I didn’t think I’d ever want to laugh again, and then I realised how selfish that would be. I know if we aren’t happy down here — Bren can’t be happy up there. It’s an effort I need to make for the sake of others and me.
Even in that knowledge a faint numb veil still cloaks me – I imagine it is my body’s natural defence mechanism and it is allowing me to get through what is still a very difficult time; I can’t imagine it will ever get easier. Bren was once asked by friends with a newborn if it got easier, his reply was, “no it just gets different!” And that’s why he was always my go to guy. He had a handle on everything…I think that piece of wisdom probably sums up grief too.
I’m sharing these thoughts mainly because my little family are so cared for and I am regularly asked how we are going and an honest answer is too long to give in the moment. So my stock standard response is “good, all things considered,” which might even be true for the most part. It’s only been 3 months without him though, so I guess I want it to be true more than anything. If I was to be really honest I’d just say “it’s Shit” and I think most who know me best would know I was OK! Because that’s honest!
Having said that, I don’t just feel one way, I don’t have a good day or a bad day. It’s more a moment by moment thing. It’s choppy and changey. A bit like you’ve put your emotions on a rollercoaster and said there you go – now don’t even think about getting off. You just hang on for the ride!
A New Year
I know the New Year will bring new challenges, and I also know there will be new things to be excited and joyful about. You can’t help but move forward when that is the direction time takes you. I have arranged for the kids and I to all see a counselor early in the New Year as to be really honest I can only guess that we are all dealing with our loss appropriately, as we have never had to do anything with this level of difficulty before. I have no true point of reference — nothing to really compare it to.
A Little Extra Help
So I think it wise we sit and have a chat with someone who has a particular skill set that may help us wade through the thick soup of feelings, expectations, and the burdens that come with such great loss. Writing is definitely cathartic, as is talking with family and friends about my feelings but it will be good to sit with someone who doesn’t know me — and talk. As strange as it sounds there is something comforting in the thought of that.
So here’s to getting through the silly season and doing what we can to increase unconditional love and Joy to the World in the lead up to Christmas.
Make sure you kiss or hug someone every day…it’s good for the soul.
Thanks for listening and have a happy December everyone, may you all find loads of cheer!