31/01/18: A letter to my husband

Hey Babe,
It’s been 5 months now since I’ve seen you, chatted with you, kissed you or held your hand. I have missed you each and every day. Most days I let myself think you’re just at work, or out surfing or training for a triathlon. It’s not a deliberate decision — more a thought that remains unspoken. It helps me deal with the fact you’re not here anymore, and allows me to get through the day and do all the things I need to do to keep our little family going. But, it’s the night’s that I miss you the most. Night time was our time, now it’s my loneliest time.

I miss laying with you and listening to the sound of your breath in the quiet darkness, you already sound asleep. Your ability to fall asleep as soon as your head hit the pillow was a skill I envied and on the rare occasion that didn’t happen, I even miss you waking me up to tell me I was snoring. I miss wrapping my arms around you, my feet tangled in yours as we drifted off to sleep. I miss you gently telling me to move over because I was pushing you out of bed… saying that you didn’t know how someone so small could take up so much room. I miss you.

Our 19th wedding anniversary is only 6 days away. It was such a happy day. Remember how much you loved dad’s speech and how true his words were to the End. It had rained for a week before our big day, the weather only clearing that morning…I don’t remember if I saw one, but I bet there was a rainbow somewhere as the rain and clouds made way for a blue sky and sunshine. When the father of the bride got up to speak he simply said “Callie and Brendan, the sun shone on you today and I hope it shines on you for the rest of your lives together.” He knew when it came to love, it would. It’s why you loved him like you did.

It’s January 31st already and the first month of 2018 is done, the holidays are over. They have flown by babe, even the kids think so.  We spent lots of time with family over the Christmas break, the kids surfed with uncle Andy regularly or skated, and they discovered a new passion for jumping off the jetty and swimming in Crowdy harbour with Leilanie, Luca and Tyler. Something you always wanted me to do — I wish you knew how much I wish I’d jumped with you. I guess you do.

We went to Sydney to see the Wizard of Oz. Along with tickets to the show, we were also spoilt with the most amazing accommodation, right in the middle of the city — which made it easy to catch up with Chick, Toby and Tilly, we all wished you were there. I know you would have been proud of how the kids took Sydney in their stride. It was like they had lived there all their lives, so comfortable navigating their way around…they obviously inherited your sense of direction, I continued to turn left when they said right — as you know, I don’t know the difference. They think it’s hilarious just like you did.

Oh and by the way, speaking of rainbows, the amount of them we caught while enjoying our mini getaway was impressive to say the least. You definitely have a handle on getting our attention, you’re no novice baby, and that makes me really happy.

The anxiety I felt in the lead up to our trip melted away on our approach to the city — not because of how beautiful Sydney is from the air, and it is, but because of how white knuckled I was during the landing, as you know, I’m not a good flyer. What I did love though was being closer to you, even if only for a little while, up there in the wide blue yonder. The world looks incredibly beautiful from your neck of the woods.

So, Tyz and Bades new school year has begun and there are exciting things ahead. Can you believe they are in year 9. Where did that time go? They both saw the rainbow this morning as the bus carried them off for their first day back, and told me about it as soon as they got home. I knew you wouldn’t miss telling them to have a good day. You never did.

Happy anniversary for this coming Tuesday babe. Celebrate it well up there. If you get a chance, dance. I don’t mind who with. Just have fun. I’ll be thinking of you.

As always…love you truly, madly, deeply
your loving Wifey

A little side note:

On our wedding day Bren officially became an uncle to the four beautiful little girls in the feature photo of this post…Jordi (middle) and then KJ (oldest) made him a two times great uncle in the last two years of his life, and I’m pretty sure he has already had a cuddle of baby number four and five, who are both waiting to be born: to Jordi (again) and Teagz (also the oldest – twins). Torz (the baby) is busy looking after her classroom of kinder kids every day.  Ask them and they will tell you that Uncle Bren has always been a great uncle!

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