It’s late, after midnight, sleep is eluding me again. Im tired but that doesn’t seem to make any difference. It’s odd how comfortably duality sits snugly within the same space these days. Beautiful/painfully, happy/sad…sleepy/wide awake. Tonight I’m tired and can’t sleep, again. I’m tired/awake, it’s kind’ve become my normal, and I know that has to change — and I guess it will, eventually. I just have to workout how to make going to bed without you something I want to do.
You are my most welcome distraction in these wee small hours. Thoughts of you, photo’s, memories, rereading the stories we created together, writing to you and about you, they’re all things that fill the stillness left when all is quiet and everyone has turned in for the night. Thoughts of you are comforting. They make me laugh, and cry, but mostly if feels good to look back over our perfectly imperfect, mostly happy life together.
Let’s face it the cancer years weren’t always fun, but they were mostly happy, especially when the four of us were together. And our road trips to Sydney … they were mostly fun and often romantic too, until after your treatment was had anyway. We made the best of everything and you made that easy.
I know embracing the moment and living in it, in general, is the healthiest course of action to take now, you know I have long been an advocate for that. But I can’t deny that I love getting lost in our memories and I always will. Why make them if we can’t look back and enjoy them. Bitter sweet or not.
The source article below, that inspired this post, is about you. It is our diary entry of the day/week in 2015 that we found out you were losing your leg to cancer. You handled that day with so much strength and grace … and reading about that time in our lives again tonight, exactly 3 years on, inspires me to have the strength and somehow find the grace to live my life like you did…fully! I know you expect nothing less.
And so with that I will say goodnight babe, I hope sleep finds me now we’ve had a chat.
Do you sleep up there? I’m guessing you don’t need to.
Find a way to let me know…
Love you babe…talk soon xx