It’s been eleven months since my husband’s death and I am at the very beginning of a new project, undertaken in part to ease the loss and deep heartbreak I’m going through. My chest aches physically every day and has since he left. I worry sometimes that my heart is irreparable. I am struggling to find my place in a world without him in it, and to find my place within the project embarked upon to ease the pain of losing him. I feel lost, lonely, adrift, agitated and anxious most of the time.
Some things pin point my anxiety triggers and magnify them without notice. I don’t think this is obvious outside the tight circle who know me best, and maybe not even to them. Sometimes I hide it well, other times I don’t have the energy to hide anything. I break open and the pain bleeds from me like an open wound, splattering across anyone close by. I hate it. I hate who I am when it hits me. I’m not an anxious person. With grief, anxiety has found me. This too shall pass. It has to.
I’m guessing what Im going through is pretty normal this early in the grieving process, which doesn’t make it easier, or harder — just what it is. An incredibly shitty place to find yourself. I don’t know if time heals all wounds, for my childrens sake I hope at the very least I can allow it to bandage them. Those two incredibly good little humans have a long life ahead of them without their dad in it and a life that’s already been more difficult than they deserve. It’s my job to make sure they can be happy now. That they heal.
Today, for the first time, I have opened the book Rise, Sister Rise — a flicker of light has come to me. It seems this entire year I have been looking for that light in all the wrong places. I am reminded of what I have always known…the light I seek is hidden within. I just need to breathe. I can’t rely on others to get me through my darkest days, even with so many to rely on — the responsibility is too great. They can only support me. My reality is that only I can get me through.
This, I hope will be the beginning of my new beginning.