Birthdays

Dear Bren,

Hey Babe, a year on and I’m still trying to work grief out; or work through it, get around it, over it or even just understand it. At times like these, you’re on my mind constantly. Your birthday a little over a week ago, and our twinnies birthdays in less than a week.  Can you believe they’ll be fifteen? I remember many times when they were little, us wondering what life would be like when they were fifteen. We didn’t imagine it would get here so soon, or that you wouldn’t be here to enjoy it.

What I know today (tomorrow may be different as it is another day) is that grief isn’t lessened or intensified by the relationship we had as husband and wife. Grief is grief, just like love is love. The intensity of my grief for you is no different to that of how we loved each other — stronger because of the connection we shared and the time we spent together. My grief is a personal expression of our deep, mutual love and although that love is still the same, you are gone. If I look for the blessing in that … it would be the love I was lucky enough to know because of you.

I’m learning that how I grieve, for how long and in what way, shouldn’t be diminished, by anyone. It is my grief, my business — no-one else’s. It will take the time it takes, to build a world large enough around my sadness, to allow a little lightness and joy to sneak in. Patience is required. There will also be days that shrink my life back to where the grief consumes me again. I know you want those days to be few and far between for me. Happy wife — happy afterlife. 🙂  and I keep that in mind all the time. I want you to be happy and would never want to be the reason you’re not.

Yes, the ebb and flow of grief is ever present, there is nowhere for it to go, but more and more I am enjoying some fun and laughter, some happy days, and on the difficult ones —  I’m kind to myself.

I’m following your advice babe and putting all of my energy into building a new life for the kids and I, knowing everything else will look after itself. Thank you for giving me permission to do that.

Here’s to some better, brighter and easier days, to celebrating all we have while honouring what we have lost and to surrounding ourselves with the things and people that enliven and energise us — up where you are, and down here too.

Here’s to more large life days.

 

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