ISO 2020 has stepped up a notch at home this weekend. I have had a persistent cough for about 10 days and was advised by the nurse at my doctor’s surgery to go to the covid19 clinic yesterday to be tested for coronavirus. I can’t leave the house till the results come through. I am a hayfever sufferer and usually get this around the same time each year…but it’s better to err on the side of caution.
Self-isolation and social distancing have been a beast for me, but not being able to leave the house is logistically awkward, even just for a few days. I’ve done housebound before, but back then I wasn’t focused on what I could or couldn’t do because I was caring for my dying husband and managing how my young children were dealing with their father deteriorating before their eyes. I was focusing on them.
ISO 2020 has been different, it has given me more time to think about me, what I can and can’t do, and about losing my husband and my Mum just two years apart. I’ve had time to stop and think a lot about what losing them has meant for me. I know now that busy has been my crutch of choice to deal with/or hide from the grief.
This is what’s been on my mind in my forced downtime…
When you have the great and sad privilege of loving someone till the end of their life the lessons are profound. A couple, in particular, stand out for me consistently. It will be different for everyone.
Death of a loved one brings lessons on a soul level. For me, it has been about what I will carry in my heart as I go through the rest of my life without two of my most important people in it.
Of course, there were a thousand different things I learned about myself, about them and because of them while they were here, which impacted who I am and how I am in the world today. Way too many to list and talk about now, so I will talk about the two that push forward on a daily basis since they left.
#lesson 1 – It is the Good that I remember
I don’t think about the fights, the disagreements or the hurt feelings. They have all shrunk into nothingness and were the first thing in both losses that I let go. I don’t dwell on one negative occurrence that may have happened in either relationship and there were some in both because our relationships were honest.
So, for me, it’s all about the love we shared. It is the good that Bren and Mum embodied, and how I am the person I am today, in part, because of the way they loved me. That is stronger than anything else that we all went through together. The good is what I remember and think about, now they are gone.
#lesson 2 – Don’t sweat the small stuff
I’m going to work harder at not sweating the small stuff. I think when life gets busy and stressful the small stuff sits right on top of the basket, so I just keep going back to it. I’m going to try and pack that shit away so I can clear the space and make room for what really matters.
Here’s to getting through this crazy time of social distancing and self-isolation refreshed, renewed, recuperated and revitalised … now to put some tools in place to help that happen.
I’m going to start with taking this minute to breathe, and put away my laundry! 🙂