Muscle memory is something we’re all fairly familiar with. We use it when we ride a bike, drive a car, play sport, type on our phones, enter our PINs or play a musical instrument. It’s the unconscious act of doing something so familiar it becomes a part of us.
Emotional muscle memory wasn’t something I was as familiar with or considered until it made itself known to me. It happens in small ways on a daily basis. A stab in the heart or a moment of mind-thumping panic when a song, smell, date or milestone reminds me that Bren is gone. Years passing, have had the opposite of the effect you would expect. The longer he’s been gone – the stronger the reaction, it seems.
I generally sleep poorly — for most of August it’s worse. The entire month is exhausting. My body aches, my head aches, my heart aches. I can be moody and not much fun to be around. This all feels involuntary. Busy months in the lead up to August, like the ones that have just passed, allow the emotional muscle memory to take me by surprise.
Feelings of general malaise and exhaustion are written off as busyness until the date comes into focus and I realise my body is remembering what my brain hasn’t had time to catch up with yet. Not unlike the way it had the year before and the one before that. I am missing Bren and remembering what we went through, on a cellular level that can’t be explained, but can be quietly debilitating for a while.
On the 31st of this month, my husband will have been missing from me for 4 years. It feels like a very short, long time — as the world turns.
tu me manques babe xx
For more information on Sarcoma and Rare Cancers follow the links below.
Grief Support — for you are someone you care for, I find
Refuge in Grief very helpful.