Muscle memory is something we’re all reasonably familiar with. We use it when we ride a bike, drive a car, play sports, type on our phones, enter our PINs or play a musical instrument. It’s the unconscious act of doing something so familiar it becomes a part of us.
Emotional muscle memory wasn’t something I was as familiar with or considered until it made itself known to me. It happens in small ways daily. A stab in the heart or a moment of mind-thumping panic when a song, smell, date or milestone reminds me that Bren is gone. Years passing have had the opposite effect you would expect. The longer he’s been gone, the more potent the reaction.
I generally sleep poorly — for most of August, it’s worse. The entire month is exhausting. My body aches, my head hurts, and my heart palpitates. I can be moody and not much fun to be around. This all feels involuntary. Busy months in the lead-up to August allow the emotional muscle memory to mix with plain old muscle memory, and it all takes me by surprise.
Feelings of general malaise and exhaustion are written off as busyness until the date comes into focus. And I realise my body is remembering along with my emotions what my brain hasn’t had time to catch up with. I am missing Bren and remembering what we went through on a cellular and subconscious level that can’t be explained but can be carried, though quietly debilitating for a while.
On the 31st of this month, my husband will have been missing from me for 4 years. It feels like a short, long time — as the world turns.
tu me manques babe xx
For more information on Sarcoma and Rare Cancers follow the links below.
Grief Support — for you are someone you care for, I find
Refuge in Grief very helpful.