When I started to rewrite Bren’s story, I promised myself I would write a page a day. Life has a way of getting in the way, and ours has had a fair share of upheaval lately. The next part of our story is also the hardest to write, so the page a day isn’t happening at the moment. And that’s OK. Today, though, I am writing about something else to help get back on track.
With Bren and Mum’s death anniversaries a day apart, on the last day of winter and the first of spring, and our extended family coping with devastating loss, worry and stress right now. I turned to meditation and guided writing — to try and make sense of everything and to ask some questions that have sat quietly in the back of my mind waiting for answers that may never come.
As I usually do when guided writing, I started with meditation; to clear, calm and relax my mind. Afterwards, I sat with 12 crisp sheets of white A4 paper, my favourite ballpoint pen, the questions I have been harbouring, and I waited for wisdom to flow. Always the optimist — it turns out I only needed six sheets. My guide gets his point across with far fewer words than me. My first lesson in this writing.
What follows are words that have come through me rather than from me I think. Although I am not entirely sure of the source. It is wisdom shared by someone far wiser than me. Whether it is a spirit guide, a guardian or my higher consciousness — who connects more easily to some other worldly source, I cant be sure. I know there is a feeling of sharing information with another. They call themself Solomon. And it feels completely natural.
Where Is Bren?
S: He is everywhere. He is in a learning phase and busy.
How is he everywhere?
S: With you and the children, Brendan remains connected. He does this through the energy of light and love flowing through each of you four. Heart to heart, soul to soul — light energy connects you in an unbroken circle of love and life union. Love through union is the essence of who you are together and apart. Union is the breath of life.
Brendan remains connected by light to all who he loves in life and after life. Nothing has changed. He is everywhere and with everyone.
Does he miss me?
S: No Child. He does not have time. His truth is that you are away from him for just a heartbeat. There is no separation in his experience. He has such clarity about that. His heart has nothing but love for you. There is no room for sadness or missing. Time and separation are an earthly burden that only you on Earth experience — this burden no longer exists for him. Rejoice.
In what way is he busy?
S: He is busy being and learning. Let me explain. His contracts fulfilled are the starting point of his learning. To understand and learn from his time on earth, he will reconcile his actions and reactions to life. He is working on this with his four Guardians of Atonement. These or those who have watched over him through life and are now guiding him beyond death.
Don’t be alarmed by the word atonement, (my Guide has a way of answering questions as I think them.) For us, it has less to do with ‘sin’, the definition humans understand, and more to do with the many ways you move others forward during your time on earth. You do this through the actions and reactions you have and choices you make when faced with life experiences. Brendan showed immeasurable strength, grace and fairness in life as he does in death. Let him light the way.
It took a while for all of this to sink in. I’m still processing it. Most of the information made sense to me, and some didn’t. Not everything was for sharing. Brendan, not missing me was hard to write. To be honest it took the wind out of me at first, until I continued writing and reread that part a few times. It makes sense now after sitting with it for a while. It also gave me the energy I needed to get our old VCR out and watch some of our home movies. I haven’t been able to do that since losing him.
Hearing Bren’s voice again and seeing that face was magical, a soothing soul balm that was very much needed as we negotiate a world he wouldn’t recognise.
Below: a photo of us at a friends wedding (that’s my sister Deb behind us – we had a blast at this beautiful wedding) I think it was 1998. And two snippets of the gold I found in our movies. It was February 1999, we were Honeymooners ...
More chapters soon.
NB: Oh, and it seems there are no rules about slowing down or being busy. It is strongly suggest, however, that we aim for happy.
Please excuse the poor quality video footage and photo clarity, it was 20 years ago and we were inventive with how we transferred video tape to youtube — family especially, this is for you xx